Welcome back to The Pulp Chronicler. I took a brief hiatus in order to edit, format and publish the first issue of my new pulp magazine. That being done, its time to introduce you to a new ongoing feature here at The Chronicler.
It is called The Pulp Survivor and will act as a kind of pulp fiction game show in which a writer that I have reviewed here will do a guest blog based on a scenario that I give them. The scenario will be related in some small way to their work and will be a situation that they have to survive. They'll write up a guest blog detailing how they plan to live. First up, The Mind is a Razorblade author Max Booth III.
You awake after having mysteriously fallen unconscious in a hotel room. There is a letter and a briefcase on the bed. The letter informs you that twenty years in the future you will become the leader of a rebellion that will save mankind from an eternity of enslavement by murderous cyborgs. In order to prevent you from becoming the savior of mankind, the cyborgs have sent a warrior back in time to destroy you. He looks like Charles Bronson. He sounds like Bobcat Goldthwait. He is staying AT THE HOTEL! You find the briefcase is filled with bunny slippers. Each slipper is stuffed with all the one dollar bills that it can hold. What do you do?
What say you, Mr. Booth?? What's it gonna be?
Max runs into the bathroom to take a leak. This lasts many minutes. He wonders how long he’s been unconscious. His head is killing him and his stomach feels like an empty pit. He needs food. He needs cake.
Max returns to the bed and collects the cash, then puts on the funny bunny slippers. Adjusting his clothing in the mirror, he leaves the hotel room and ventures down to the lobby. He approaches the front desk guy, who is busy typing away on a laptop.
“Excuse me,” Max says, interrupting the front desk guy’s porn session, “but I really want some cake. Direct me to the closest cake place.”
The front desk guy groans and points in a random direction. Max follows.
Eighteen minutes later, Max arrives to a shop called LET THEM EAT CAKE. He enters the store. There is cake everywhere. Max throws all of his cash at the cashier and demands “all the cake”. He is given a small slice of something fruity and delicious. Max takes his cake and finds a booth at the end of the shop. He does not think about cyborgs. He does not think about time traveling assassins. That shit’s all in the future. Right now he has cake, and that’s all he cares about. Sure, someone is trying to kill him, but cake shops are safe grounds. Nobody would ever spill blood in the presence of motherfucking cake. That would be a sin, and Cyborg Jesus would not approve.
Well played, sir. Or is it?? You decide. I leave his fate in your hands, Pulpsville. Is Booth going to make it out alive with his delicious diversion or will the cyborg be Maxed out on Booth Cake? Leave a comment here or on Facebook and let me know what you think.
Til next time, friends and fiends. Stay classy!